commitment and investment

For the last year-and-a-half I've been talking a lot about how I feel God has called me to commit myself to the community I'm involved in. Specifically, the community of people around Scum of the Earth Church in Denver, Colorado. And so, thinking in my usual extremes, I've found myself talking and thinking in terms of this being the community I'm committing to for as far as I can see into the future. I've, in fact, spent a good amount of time wrestling with the idea of being in this part of denver for the next 50 years. And with these people for the next 50 years. And maybe struggling with the same flaws in our community for the next 50 years.

But this last week was a first for me. For whatever reason, the conversations I've had lately have opened my thoughts to some new ideas. In fact it was entertaining the idea of certain people within this community potentially leaving for a period of time, that allowed me to think about whether or not I could leave this community in the same way. Granted, I will always be a part of this community of people in some facet, but this was the first time I was able to feel as if I could leave this place at some point and not be working directly against God's will.

And then it was conversations I've been having about the difference in family upbringing that gave me insight on the way God may have been using me as of late. Maybe God needs to explain things to me in the form of extremes, in order for me to understand the subtleties of what he needs me to be doing.

It was in realizing that I may not always have to be in Denver, with these people, that made me realize how God may have not wanted me to think otherwise until now. Perhaps God needed me to believe I would be in this place for the rest of my life, in order to get the effort he needed out of me, in terms of investing here.

And maybe he's been doing this all along. Maybe God calls us to believe things will be one way for the rest of eternity, in order for us to have the right reverence for the place he has us in. Like levitical law and the Israelites?

But maybe God knows us even better than that. And when this burden is lifted because it begins to wear on us to much, I find myself wondering if I'm willing to accept this kind of grace, in the humility of putting my plans in God's hands.

learning and growth

A lot of what I feel I learn about myself and how to love people comes from the conversations I have with my friends and family after having had an interaction or two that didn't go over so well. I mean that, to say, that I feel that most of my points of growth come from the process of reconciling with others.

This last week was no exception. I've been in the process of thinking about a number of things in the perspective of their longevity and all that entails. For instance, if I decide to stay committed to the same community for a long time, if I decide to continue to pursue playing music with the same people, or if I want to continue to think seriously about the future of my relationship with a certain lady in my life... what does it mean to be constructively critical of these relationships for them to last?

I feel it's good to question what the implications of my actions now, for the future of said relationships. And I also feel it's healthy to be able to communicate the ways, I feel, others in these relationships could grow and change for the better. However, it's a pretty dangerous line to walk, when you're willing to make yourself vulnerable in either of these positions. And even more dangerous, because there are feelings involved and a certain susceptibility for manipulation. To say the least, it's a road walked best with a good heaping spoon full grace and another dose of discernment.

So in this cycle of trial, error, and forgiveness that we all go through, I've picked up a few thoughts and questions along the way.
For instance, how does Christ have such patience for us? And how does he bear with us through the process of seeing our potential and then watching us botch it up day after day? And how do you leave room for people to actually grow into that potential with out smothering them with corrections?

I think I've learned to take people less seriously. And what I mean is; that If I look at someone's actions and think of whether or not this will be something that I will be able to deal with for the next number of weeks, months, years,..... (fill in the blank here) I often get so caught up in wether that is something I want, and I forget that said other person is in a process of growth on their own already. And if I get caught up in what's bothering me, I wouldn't be surprised if my conversations of debriefing, correcting, and expressing my feelings actually cause my friend (or whoever) to stay in that role. If I continuously put my friend in the role of the person that hurts me in this way, or does wrong in this way, my concern for control of the future can in fact keep this other person from actually being able to climb out from that spot.

In short, if I'm truly concerned for the betterment of another, wouldn't it prove to set them up for good, if I wasn't so quick to assume their previous position of acting negatively in my mind?

And ultimately what would it mean then, for me to bear with them through this process of growth, and really appreciate someone for their attempts to grow and not the rate at which they grow?

Waiting on God's timing

There's normally a whirlwind of thoughts going through my mind on a daily basis. And on average, approximately every hour, there is some sort of new input in that whirlwind. Whether that be a friend saying hello, a phone call, a text message, the advertisement on the side of my cup of coffee, the music playing in the room,.... I realize it's all an influence on my thought process. And I've realized I could spend years and hundreds of words on any one of these influences, and expressing how I want to, should, or am intended to react to these things. But in this, in most cases I find that God isn't in the racket, God normally isn't the flashy images, and God isn't in the Coffee either. And yet, while God is seen in all of His creation, normally God wants me to find him in stillness.

It's pretty strange dichotomy, but one I'll learn to live with daily.

As I'd said before, currently I'm finding myself preparing for another season of change and growth, much like the plants outside this time of year. And while I'm to learn to rest and prepare, just like all the rest of creation (and yes, even like God rests), a friend of mine (and dare I say mentor) had some good insight for me yesterday, that I'm still processing.

We talked about the things I'm looking toward defining more in my next year in Denver, and we talked about how I'd felt God's voice leading me in these things. Part of this conversation looked like this;

"Do you feel like you're the right one?"

"I'm pretty sure."

"Do you feel like God has told you to go ahead with this?"

"Yeah, I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do, but I'm learning to be patient and wait for God's timing."

"In my mind, if God has told you to do something, the longer the wait the more room you're leaving for evil to sneak in and pervert it. In fact if you really feel like God is telling you to do something, you really should be asking God 'Why not now?'"

And the best part of the conversation was that it left me questioning my real motivations in waiting.
More often than not, in the midst of all the things that Society is telling us, and all the things that distract us in our own minds, are we really waiting for God's timing, or are we even using the excuse of waiting for absolute silence, before we're willing to do what we feel God has told us to do? Are we really giving God the room to tell us what His will is, or are we waiting for it, at our convenience?

good.intentions

Being a part of a community* with lots of people, naturally means that we regularly come across what seem as endless mounds of problems and hang-ups. However, I've learned in the last stint of my life that being a healthy community isn't necessarily defined by the quantity of problems that you grow beyond, but rather the manner in which you deal with them.

For instance, I would rather my gravestone say "He was a grumpy and hard man, but he sure as hell tried to love people," rather than "Look at what this man accomplished."

So we all spend a lot of time talking with the folks in our lives, trying to figure out how to go about learning and moving forward as a whole community in the most healthy way. I've come to know these conversations as times of translation. It seems as if I'm either helping to translate for someone else, that someone else is translating for me, or more often than not a little of both.

While, in the midst of translation the other day, I had a friend bring to my attention something I often forget about, especially in these conversations. We talked about the difficulty of receiving advice from a source because of a certain air that can often come when sharing something you feel well versed in and feel is a needed addition to a conversation. Frankly, it's often hard to hear a person's loving advice, no matter how helpful, because of the air in which it's given.

I know it's not only the responsibility of the listener to process the words given to them, but also the responsibility of the giver to be conscious of the manner in which his/her gift is given.

So in thinking about why I would want to give advice in the first place, I realized that my words can often be totally misheard just do to the air in which I speak them.

I've know this for a long time, but it was good to be reminded of the fact that good advice is given not so that the source can be accredited but so that it enables the receiver to really take hold of that advice and decided for themselves how to apply it, if even at all in the first place.

*here used in reference to a group of people who share life together loosely and sometimes intimately

new.and.yet.the.same.old.same.old....

a new season has begun in my life, in the same way that fall has just begun marking the end of physical production and the beginning of rest for the soil, I've found myself beginning to come to new places and different stages than where I've been.

Once upon a time I started this blog to keep friends and family up to date on my travels and excursions, and then the blog was put to rest as I settled back down, and began learning to live in one place.

I've now lived in Denver Colorado for a year and a half, and have begun to understand taking root in a community of people. I've been attending the same church consistently for a year and a half, I've now been dating my girlfriend for just over a year, and I've been playing music consistently in front of audiences and congregations for a over a year now. So I've begun to understand the meaning of investment as well.

And now, in the same way that the trees and plants shed their leaves to prepare for another season of growth and production, the process of combining the wisdom found in hindsight with the discernment needed for the future begins. And I've realized that I could greatly benefit from the processing required in order to write a blog.

So take this as my decision to begin blogging again with the hope to share with you my attempts at growth. Thanks for reading a long...

more to come soon