11.27.2010

commitment and investment

For the last year-and-a-half I've been talking a lot about how I feel God has called me to commit myself to the community I'm involved in. Specifically, the community of people around Scum of the Earth Church in Denver, Colorado. And so, thinking in my usual extremes, I've found myself talking and thinking in terms of this being the community I'm committing to for as far as I can see into the future. I've, in fact, spent a good amount of time wrestling with the idea of being in this part of denver for the next 50 years. And with these people for the next 50 years. And maybe struggling with the same flaws in our community for the next 50 years.

But this last week was a first for me. For whatever reason, the conversations I've had lately have opened my thoughts to some new ideas. In fact it was entertaining the idea of certain people within this community potentially leaving for a period of time, that allowed me to think about whether or not I could leave this community in the same way. Granted, I will always be a part of this community of people in some facet, but this was the first time I was able to feel as if I could leave this place at some point and not be working directly against God's will.

And then it was conversations I've been having about the difference in family upbringing that gave me insight on the way God may have been using me as of late. Maybe God needs to explain things to me in the form of extremes, in order for me to understand the subtleties of what he needs me to be doing.

It was in realizing that I may not always have to be in Denver, with these people, that made me realize how God may have not wanted me to think otherwise until now. Perhaps God needed me to believe I would be in this place for the rest of my life, in order to get the effort he needed out of me, in terms of investing here.

And maybe he's been doing this all along. Maybe God calls us to believe things will be one way for the rest of eternity, in order for us to have the right reverence for the place he has us in. Like levitical law and the Israelites?

But maybe God knows us even better than that. And when this burden is lifted because it begins to wear on us to much, I find myself wondering if I'm willing to accept this kind of grace, in the humility of putting my plans in God's hands.

11.19.2010

learning and growth

A lot of what I feel I learn about myself and how to love people comes from the conversations I have with my friends and family after having had an interaction or two that didn't go over so well. I mean that, to say, that I feel that most of my points of growth come from the process of reconciling with others.

This last week was no exception. I've been in the process of thinking about a number of things in the perspective of their longevity and all that entails. For instance, if I decide to stay committed to the same community for a long time, if I decide to continue to pursue playing music with the same people, or if I want to continue to think seriously about the future of my relationship with a certain lady in my life... what does it mean to be constructively critical of these relationships for them to last?

I feel it's good to question what the implications of my actions now, for the future of said relationships. And I also feel it's healthy to be able to communicate the ways, I feel, others in these relationships could grow and change for the better. However, it's a pretty dangerous line to walk, when you're willing to make yourself vulnerable in either of these positions. And even more dangerous, because there are feelings involved and a certain susceptibility for manipulation. To say the least, it's a road walked best with a good heaping spoon full grace and another dose of discernment.

So in this cycle of trial, error, and forgiveness that we all go through, I've picked up a few thoughts and questions along the way.
For instance, how does Christ have such patience for us? And how does he bear with us through the process of seeing our potential and then watching us botch it up day after day? And how do you leave room for people to actually grow into that potential with out smothering them with corrections?

I think I've learned to take people less seriously. And what I mean is; that If I look at someone's actions and think of whether or not this will be something that I will be able to deal with for the next number of weeks, months, years,..... (fill in the blank here) I often get so caught up in wether that is something I want, and I forget that said other person is in a process of growth on their own already. And if I get caught up in what's bothering me, I wouldn't be surprised if my conversations of debriefing, correcting, and expressing my feelings actually cause my friend (or whoever) to stay in that role. If I continuously put my friend in the role of the person that hurts me in this way, or does wrong in this way, my concern for control of the future can in fact keep this other person from actually being able to climb out from that spot.

In short, if I'm truly concerned for the betterment of another, wouldn't it prove to set them up for good, if I wasn't so quick to assume their previous position of acting negatively in my mind?

And ultimately what would it mean then, for me to bear with them through this process of growth, and really appreciate someone for their attempts to grow and not the rate at which they grow?